Dreams and Desire

Recently I had the unexpected experience of falling in love. Ahhh! That’s all that happened really, I fell. Ouch! A little, anyway.

So what next? Well, it’s a matter of getting up and getting on with life really. So my process is writing rather than fighting. It helps me heal and move on when I create at least something to express that makes my make-believe world real. Get it out of my head, my heart, my soul, my mind, just there, out there. I don’t even care for judgement or criticizism. It’s just my guts, we all got them and I’ll live like I have them! 

It happened
I met him
a beautiful stranger

Then we spoke
it was so easy
we found a connection
that reached beyond the starlit sky

my spirit soaring
my soul unfurling
minds connecting
a process was set in motion
that took me by surprise

It felt like
I’ve known him
forever
somehow

there was chemistry
there grew desire

But

there was another and confusion
all of this just an illusion
a brief flirtation
with my own imagination

from a sense of deep connection
all I could see was pure perfection
as I was blinded in the fire
of passion and desire

it seemed so real
I could feel it
my soul, convinced
was laid bare
any thief could steal it

even time was suspended
till the spell was broken

At least I know that I’m alive
most certainly a woman
a creature built for dreams and desire
within me
I carry a fire
that will burn
bright and strong
when my soulmate man
finally comes along!

And he,
a pleasant memory
a signpost
on my journey
of discovery
of how to be me
and live happy and free.

I’ve asked myself why it does not seem enough to just keep this writing in my journal. There it would be safely tucked away, gathering dust. That is what I have done for years with my writing and with myself. This is what I’ve been led to believe. Certain things are just personal. 

But then I realised that most of the songs, poems, films, theatre and visual art that has carried any power or had any impact on me, is somehow a bit improper. Someone had to make themselves vulnerable to move my soul and break open my mind and my heart. Someone had to open up to let their light out. Their light then lit my way or even just my world. I was not ready to move anywhere, not even aware of how stuck I was! Most of the time, the power of vulnerable expression has simply been in that it made me feel less lonely. I could feel a better connection to the courageous stranger through their expression than to most of the ones in my life where we lived in a culture of pretense and masks. Well, that’s what it felt like to me. Now, finally, I accept my own perspective and emotions as valid and valuable too. Books in stories and songs and poems also made my overwhelming emotions feel more acceptable. 

More recently I learnt more about the connection between perfectionism, shame, vulnerability, creativity, wholeheartedness and the ability to connect, from the work of Brene Brown. I highly recommend engaging with her work from the heart. It is powerful!

What she found in her research resonated very strongly with my own journey and struggles in life. Hey, it turns out that I’m just another human being after all! I do belong! And what is more, I am worthy of love too. Love and belonging: irreducible needs of the human soul. 

Dots connected and the picture appeared. The problem was shame. The message was ‘not good enough’. The answer was to hide. This was particularly pronounced in the area of sexuality and romantic relationships. I am a sensitive person and as a child had even less defences than I have now. Teasing and ridicule, no matter how slight, had profound effects on me and I feel no need to apologize for the way I’ve been made. Then there were the accussations of ‘too sensitive’ and worst of all ‘lack of sense of humour’. 

So as I grew up and became a woman, I stuffed all of this fire down in shame and felt so embarrassed when I could not hide well enough. I still remember wearing a figure hugging dress to church in my early twenties and feeling impossibly uncomfortable in my own skin, let alone the dress! Then when someone told me ‘you look beautiful’, I simply burst into tears… life was rather tricky to live in such a state of insecurity and self-rejection. It is no wonder that I behaved in rather extreme ways to just get through the years – running, hiding, numbing. 

I started practicing Yoga a couple of years ago. My practice, combined with my faith, has enabled me to find the space to observe and accept my emotions without judgement. I’m discovering that this is a gentle path of kindness and acceptance. It helps me to connect the dots and see the bigger picture of how all things are connected. Of course, there are only ever glimpses, but they are precious and to be treasured.

Namaste includes me too and it keeps on getting more divine as I see things more differently. The light of the body is in the eyes! 

So maybe you will understand, maybe not, it does not really matter. For me, to even write something like this, let alone make it visible for anyone to read, is a tremendous personal victory! I have accepted that part of myself that was hidden in shame and fear of rejection. My work is to practice acceptance and grow in trust, to take risks and live fully and generously, with vulnerability. 

Namaste, my friend. 

 

Acknowledgements of recent sparks of written word that gave light to my heart and path:

“Carry on, Warrior!” by Glennon Melton.
“The laughing heart” by Charles Bukowski.

 

 

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