Romance elusive

So here I go again. Writing. Fighting! Crying, sobbing, growling, screaming! Until I can breath again. Easily, gratefully, freely, full of hope. This is me.

So this business of true love
Oh, I’ve always been a believer
but mostly encountered deceivers

Can anyone tell me
how much pain it will take
to find love?
Is it even real?

Or is it just a fantasy
something imagined
that cannot be

the risks to take
are just too big
so we stay

It reminds me of that 
poor starved whale
eating the plastic
we live by
mistaking it for food

Fake food, fake words, fake love
I was sure we were building a fire
but it’s cold and dark
and I’m hungry and tired

Gotta get back to the real world
online you gotta know
how to say
I’ll be OK
You’ll work it out
This totally sucks!

so I’ve decided not to suck it up

I’ll gather my heart
and my mind
wrap them up
and hold them close

That’s a nice ideal, I think
but the reality
is broken, it stinks
our world is a bit
like the ocean
just like the plastic’s everywhere
we’re so socially vitual
losing touch with what’s actual

I decided on-line dating
was not for me
then got sucked into an online process
coz it’s the way we now live
at least I learnt some of the lessons
without paying all of the subs!

I just carry on with my life
apart from the necessities of work
join a few clubs
keep busy, have fun
running, writing
time with my son
after all, I am a mom!
give my presence and concentration
to the next generation

And I’ll go to sleep
with my dreams intact
my childlike heart
my creative mind
still carrying hope
for the miracle of love

Sure it will be a miracle
in a world full of 
wounds of shame
habits of hiding
addictions and numbing

My own journey’s been tough
there are scars
I’ve learnt a lot
I’ve tried and failed
I’ve lived by my fears
I’ve cried many futile tears

But now I practice a different way
I’ve given up perfectionism
Exchanged it for connectionism
acceptance, authenticity
making sure that I say
what I mean
mean what I say
know how I feel
stay in the moment
keeping it real

for vulnerability
I’ve stripped off my masks
holding onto courage
pushing back the fear

and I’m learning to let go
hold connections lightly
keep running, keep writing
It keeps my lamp burning
more brightly

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