A cold, dark night

It’s dark tonight
and there are clouds in my sky
It feels like
           I have no faith
           no beliefs
only anger and pain
regret and shame

It’s cold tonight
and I feel all alone
with my memories
          of hopes disappointed
          of loves gone wrong

Love the illusion
          the childlike dream
          a fairy tale
          a fantasy
like wishing for the moon

And the moon it is
that bothers me too
as it waxes and wanes
I wax and wane too
It’s the way of a woman
who still wants a man
to love and to love her
sighing
      hoping
           longing

In the meantime 
the night is
cold and dark
clouds have gathered
and I cry
I need the stars

The cloud that looms darkly
the lie of old
“not pretty like the others”
is the things that I heard
and so my walk was crippled
I was so insecure
confused and uncertain
unable to enjoy, explore

My eyes were blind to the true ones
            who loved me
My heart was drawn to the troubled ones
            who broke me
by experience of heartbreaks the lie morphed,
            became
 “ugly and unwanted”
I was stuck, blocked, locked up!

So I’m simply exhausted
of a life that lacks in love
            hardly any kisses
            also too few hugs

In the darkest of the cold night
I feel and cry for more than me
there are oceans of pain
of quiet desperations
of gnawing, growing frustrations
so many emotions
         bottled and stuffed
and when they spill out, erupt
          it’s mostly alone
like me, tonight
crying, sobbing, in the dark
out on a run
a wave of emotion washed over me
and I could not go on

The clouds start to clear
the stars are still there
also intact, still
my faith, my beliefs

I still believe in true love
that’s easy,
It’s the dream, the moon or the pie in the sky
harder to believe
is that I’m enough
and pretty enough
and that there’s
         a pie and
         a moon and
         a love
         for me too

This dream about true love
        and fun love
        and safe love
is something I knew of
even though I’ve never been told
even though experience has been
          contrary
in so many ways

it’s the dream that I hold
     for my sanity
     for my hope
     for an escape from reality
but also for humanity
      the universe
      and God

He made this to be beautiful
the best experience on earth
The union of man and woman
spirit, soul and body’s
pure earthly intimate connection
most surely must be
a taste of heaven

Well anyway, that’s what I believe
and I’m happy
     to run
     to write
     to hope 
     to dream
It is so good to let it out. It is liberating to write and publish my own thoughts about the things that we never could speak about. Writing truly is a form of healing. Hiding is no way to live.

It’s still hard to write or even speak about the things that I’ve experiened in a more direct way. What is up there is about as close as I can get right now. Maybe that is enough, anyway, to make sense of my stubborn hope in a life that keeps on trying to prove the opposite!

What I will say is that I was only a child the first time a man tried to take from me by brute force. He did not succeed, my screams were way too loud. It was a fellow runner that I was friendly with and talked to. My guilt was overwhelming, because I felt it was my fault. I trusted and talked to a stranger. I thought that was alright. So the first time I mentioned the incident to anyone was six months later. I was only eighteen and I felt so ashamed.

The point of sharing is to add my voice to the truth. The reality of how things are, but they’re not supposed to be. I, also, want to come out of hiding and say this is not right and it’s happened to me. There is more, there is worse, not of random attack, but of trust broken, false friendships, conquests and rejections. But ultimately, I don’t want to be afraid of men, generally. I’ve had enough of fear, distrust and suspicion.

So I’ve said what I believe and put it out there. If you agree or disagree feel free to comment or just read.

Namaste.

 

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